Friends for life

I wasn't his choice

"Fuck him! He is an asshole...eeehh..What the fuck...How could he? I mean it is insane".

And again she resumed in her abusive tone till I decided to squeeze my ears with my hands. It turned red. My God, why all best friends are hyper-reactive. I could see cloudy heads through the translucent window. All my friends were there and I could predict their expressions. Some with, 'I had warned you' type expressions, some with 'clinched fist', some were my real caretakers with 'thank-god she didn’t cross her limits' (which simply meant thank god she didn’t have sex). Moreover all were in disbelief, the couple who were going so perfect till tomorrow what happened to them all of sudden?  Why Mr. Perfect dumped her?

I didn’t know the answer, somewhere I wasn’t really interested in knowing it.I just wanted him back. I needed spare time just me and my heart that’s it and it wasn’t looking possible. They were banging the door for about thirty minutes and they had lost their temper so I was left with no other choice than to open it.

“Tanu get up, let’s go find him and break every bones of him’’, everyone nodded.

What! Are they crazy from where they get such incredible ideas? And  he has left me, why it has turned into a public interest? I’m not any celebrity. Am I? I’m not a victim either (maybe). He has his own life if he is not interested in me then its fucking fine (oh God I don’t use such words) .He didn’t give me any reason, just left (why) still it’s okay.

Am I hurt? NO. (Hell yes anyone would be).

I twisted the knob and the door flung open and bees hummed ...some hugged other just shook me and asked how was going. I wasn’t ready for it. I was on the verge to embarrass all with my wetly eyes. They held me and moved to their favorite directions, I just obeyed.

Sit,sit..Okay, we are not going to ask you many questions just a few?

One of my friends said.

“Okay’’, I replied positively although I doubted their intentions.

Are you broke?

(Huh! What kind of question is this?) ‘Yes’, I replied.

“Did you have sex with him?”

What a miserable question. Don’t they know I just had learned how to kiss and that too by using You Tube tutorials. How could I jump on something difficult than this?

“Nahi yaar”, I was a bit irritated. But later I felt proud when I gave more thought to their question. Chalo at least they think I’m capable of doing sex.

“Do you guys had a bad fight? Or is this temporary or he has really left you...I mean dumped...you’’, she said and all gave her a dark look, I didn’t.

"NO’’,I replied with neutral expression.

We didn’t have a fight. A man who had just dropped into my life, made me believe in love and asked me to walk into his imaginary world, have now left me. And I’m still trying to figure out the obscure images of that night where I met him for the last time.

“I don’t think this is gonna work’’, he had said when I wasn’t really prepared for it.

We were meeting after a month and that too because I pleaded. I knew I was losing my self-respect, though I acted bravely. No more drama in life, ruin my self-respect but be by my side. Where my friends who were fuming in anger for uselessly waiting for me outside VT (Vishawanath temple, a confession place for all lovers in BHU) as I’m in a habit of forcing my best friends to accompany me, I on the other hand, inside the temple was dealing with live and die situation.

That day I wasn’t sure about anything. I tried all possible measures to convince him (by keeping my tone bold, it should not look I’ll be dead if he leaves me. Though nobody dies without somebody but something in them dies forever).It wasn’t the time for philosophies so I asked him why he is suddenly so unsure about love, what went wrong. What wrong I did?

I didn’t get the answer. Not even one.

He never called, he never tried to meet me, he never came on time, he lied to me and now he is the one for whom things are not working properly. Wow! Marvellous!

What effort he has made to keep the relationship going? How could he decide himself everything? Why can’t he say the truth?

I was trembling, I wasn’t in the mood to cry and show how weak and desperate I’m for him. I said let’s talk about it another time but I never imagined that it will my last chance to save my relationship.

“Tanu who the hell talk to their boyfriends like this? Talk wild and be naughty, seduce him over phone, make him feel your need. Sex is an art and I’m the artist. I’ll teach you. Don’t you worry’’, My bestie used to say all these. I was convinced how stupid of me. Even I tried to learn few tricks from her. All of them appear so meaningless now. Should I take the blame that I’m unable to please him?

“Move on you deserve better than him. I had already told you he is a moron. How can anyone trust IITians ? We have seen so many examples of bloody IITians ruining lives of innocent girls still you jumped into a relationship with one of them. Why?’’, a wise friend of me said.

I pointed out two things. First, does she mean I’m innocent? Second, does anybody fall in love with his tags? It just happened like millions of other boys and girls in this world. Did he leave me because I wasn’t expressive and I never called him ‘my jaan’,’awww mera baby’,and never gave him kissiee over phone. Can this be a reason? Shit No.

"Hmmm", I replied.

“Say something yaar, don’t suppress your feelings open-up. Say it, spill it out. Don’t keep it within you”. (Why can’t they leave me alone?)

“I’m fine”, I replied.

And then came one more description from one of my friends, about my public boyfriend.

“He was hot”, why was? He is hot. Isn’t he?  ,“with killer looks and the devilish smile. A rich Punjabi IITian. Adding to his features he had a mind blowing sense of humour, undoubtedly. But the thing is, how a man can be so perfect? And that’s the main clue which we all missed to catch”.

How idiotic. All nodded and all buzzed, “hmmmmmm”.

“How can we miss such an important clue of him being a cheater? ”. (Oh! My genius friend why don’t you join RAW. Moreover he wasn’t perfect he is drug addict that nobody knows except me and my roommates. Though rest of her claims were right he is Godly.)

Episode ended with some advise and then more advises and then warnings. No more meetings, no calls, no begging for love and so on. “He is dead for us (them)”.

I was waiting for my love-guru to put her opinion on the matter but she had kept her mouth sealed during the entire dramatic conversation.

Then I asked her, “Do you have the answer?’’.

She wasn’t looking like earlier something was missing, I couldn’t figure it out but I could sense utmost silence in her words. Her radiant face wasn’t gleaming, her lips wasn’t supporting her fake smile. Then she begun I was more scared than ever, my heart pounded. I could sense something wrong and disastrous. 

“I liked him yaar, I really liked that guy. Fuck these Delhi boys, they always have double face. How badly we got trapped. He cheated on you. Tell me why he had to do all this? Why he was being such a gentleman with me, with you, with us? I should have sealed my lips and not have shared even a word with him. Hell. Why the hell I got so attached with him? Why we ever went on trips, I regret. He proved one thing, do not trust otherwise you will be stabbed and butchered. ” 

“I don’t know. Nobody knows that. But it wasn’t your fault neither it was mine. You just forget him, he is not a proper guy for you”, she turned her face and walked back and forth in the room. 
I know she was hurt. And I know she is the only girl who supported me every time no matter whatever cost she had to pay for it . She trusted him more than I did. She had a great connection with him. If I had lost my love then she had lost the very good friend of hers.

“He cheated on you”. “I saw him with another girl. Just few days after your birthday”.

WHAT!

Birthday, my day, when he didn’t pick any of my calls and my friends kept telling me he must have been planning something big. Oh! Yes it was big. I was almost uprooted. He was planning his dates with his new girlfriend. It would not have been a big issue I can understand things. But the only thing that bothered me was how brilliantly he fooled me, how honest (treacherous) his eyes were. I never realised that he wasn’t in love with me. He should try in Bollywood.  He acted so professionally that not even my bestie got a clue, except some curious brains which always popped up with a board of “Beware, he is an IITian”.  

“Do you remember that day when we went to boys hostel? We saw him that day”, she said.

A few days after my birthday was completely spoiled by my boyfriend. My bestie decided to cheer up my mood. We went on a search hunt. We were on the auto-rickshaw, me and my two roommates.

Destination- C.V Raman hostel, BHU.

Weather- Cloudy (chances of bloodshed).

Timing- Around 7p.m.

Target- Rohit

We three landed outside the boys hostel with our arms and armour, to have one to one interaction with my boyfriend. As we stepped confidently towards the hostel gate, we were being stared with weirdness. As if they had forgotten our faces (really?). Then we were interrupted by a stern ugly guard who almost shouted on us for being there, I looked back for help and saw my friends who were already out of the gate. He wasn’t in the hostel one of his friend who was outside the hostel told us. We went back with our disappointed faces.

“When we were returning (my roommates), we saw him. He was riding the bike and the girl was clinging to him. She gave a peck on his cheek. We thought to keep it secret and let you discover it in your own way. We weren’t ready to disclose it so soon and hurt you. But witnessing your pathetic condition we are forced. Sorry”, my love-guru said.

I wanted to run and escape. Sleep and die. Go and scream at him. I wanted to laugh at my foolishness. Still I wanted him back, maybe I wasn’t ready for it. Maybe because I never thought this was coming.

She hugged me and said, “I’m here with you”. I cried whole day, my tears were unstoppable but I wasn’t scared  maybe because she was with me.

She also lied to me. After two months she went to another state in a new college around new friends. I was left alone and for the first time I was scared of everything. Those memories started penetrating my soul. But I do not waste tears I have simply become more silent.

In those one year of  relationship I never realised that –I wasn’t his choice.